on not having it all

I was offered a job that used my master's degree before I even had it in a tough to crack job market. It was more money, more freedom and a very cool title.

And I turned it down.

There was nothing wrong with the job, in fact I loved it, except its nearly an hour commute. It'd be earlier mornings and later nights. It'd be Henry at babysitters from 7 a.m. to 10 p.m. if the hubs was on a work trip on some nights. It would be giving up the flexibility to attend Henry's doctor's appointments, our dates to music class and running his diaper bag to daycare because we forgot it at home.

It'd be figuring out how to do work, a commute, evening grad classes and you know, dinner, laundry and life. It'd mean Shea having to slow down his grad degree progress so he could do more at home.

I agonized about it. Cried a lot about it. Because deep down, I knew I couldn't have it.

My wise friend's first words after reading my long e-mail about the dilemma were: "You are right. You can't do it."

I flashed back to the recent Atlantic piece everyone and their sister wrote about on their blogs on Why Women Still Can't Have it All.

In all honesty, I could do it. I could make it work. But I wouldn't be a good mom, wife or employee. I have realized that sometimes the insanity of our life leads to a lot of stress and occasional resentment that I can't have it all. And sometimes I feel like watching Michelle Obama speak, not read about the Little Blue Truck (fantastic books by the way).

But that's not really the mom I want to be. I don't want to be unavailable because I am too far away. I know some women make it work, and I sing their praises.

For me, right now, this won't work. And I will mourn the freedom I once had to make decisions that didn't rattle all other areas of my life.

I'd rather experience the joy my life has to offer than always trying to find a way to make it work.

public nursing

Places I have breastfed my baby:

- My desk at work

- A bar while watching college football

- A burger joint. A sushi restaurant. A barbecue dive.

- A college basketball game.

- The front seat of my car at a truck stop.

- On a bench at the mall.

- My husband's cubicle.

I am not obnoxious about it. Unless by accident, no one sees anything they would normally except an odd blanket covering my front or a huge baby head underneath my shirt. I am not out to prove anything but I am certainly not hiding anything.


The hubs actually directed me to a story about Kasey Kahne, a NASCAR driver, who started a public debate after he tweeted his disgust about public breastfeeding. Here are some comments from the ESPN article (grammar unedited):
 

"Breasfeeding in public and NASCAR are very similar in that they're both technically legal, but most people find it very distasteful and unnecessary"

Why people find breastfeeding disgusting and distasteful I can't understand except chalking it up to immaturity and ignorance. Unnecessary though? Babies that are exclusively breastfed (no formula, water, food) for at least six months are protected from a long list of viruses and infections.Breastfed children have less risk of developing diabetes, obesity, childhood cancers and inflammatory bowel diseases (source). Breastfeeding boosts intelligence, prevents allergies, lowers the risks of SIDS and reduce the mother's risk of depression and certain cancers. How lucky we are such a preventative is available naturally. No prescription needed. I'd say it's very, very necessary.

"If a man gets in trouble for taking a leak in public, why cant a woman for breastfeeding?"Clearly urinating and breastfeeding a child are unrelated. But this seemed to be the most common argument in support of Kahne. The two aren't even comparable. 

"We have restrooms for a reason."

I will breastfeed my child in a restroom stall the day you take your Big Mac and fries an proceed to eat it for 20 minutes in the same place people defecate.

"This is the 21st century. They invented pumps for a reason."

Except every bit of expressed milk I can muster I have to send to daycare the next day. It's like living paycheck to paycheck, and there is no extra. Pumping isn't as efficient as nursing so like hell I am going to waste a hard earned four ounces when my baby is with me.

"Privacy only takes 1 min to find."

 Actually it's not. And I am fairly certain the same people that think finding a private place to breastfeed is easy are the same folks who would shoot judging looks when my baby is screaming for food. My car might be an option but then I am expected to leave the table and sit in my car for 30 minutes, which in that case should have just stayed home. 

Only 13 percent are exclusively breastfed, maximizing the benefits, through six months, according to the CDC.Only 17 percent are breastfed for a full year which is what the American Academy of Pediatrics recommends. The World Health Organization still recommends at least two years of breastfeeding.

Breastfeeding is a self-sacrificing commitment a mother makes to her baby and his or her health. It's not a convenient choice. Most days it's a whole lot of work, especially when you add in public outings, pumping at work and a baby with teeth.

It's a tough job for mothers already doing the toughest job. A natural, beautiful process that should be applauded, not viewed with disgust and ridicule.

love, sacrifice and cough drops

{They were happier than they look. Promise.}

One of my favorite stories my mom tells is about sacrifice and cough drops.

They both moved away from their families in Illinois, where they met in college, to pursue a new life together. They earned master's degrees at University of Kentucky. My mom then worked to put my dad through the rest of his degree and eventually a PhD. There was no extra money, and sometimes not enough. They did their grocery shopping at different stores, referring to a master list of food prices and sales to maximize their grocery budget. She made cookies for a special treat but crackers, chips and pop never made it on the list.

One time they were running to catch the bus, and my dad dropped a handful of cough drops. Realizing later the drops were gone, they went back that night in the dark to pick them out of the snow. Because buying more cough drops would be expensive and unnecessary.

When my mom got pregnant, she worked up until the day she started having contractions. In fact while in labor she was shopping for new glasses for my dad. She nursed as long as she could and used cloth diapers. Soon they moved to Michigan and lived in a rented house my mom hated. (Considering you could lay on my closet floor and look through a hole into the basement, who can blame her?)

My dad continued in his post-doc, and my mom worked in the soils lab. It wasn't until they moved to Kansas before the start of my kindergarten year that my dad got his first professor job, and my mom eventually went back to teaching. This was also the first time they bought a house - more than 10 years after they were married.

Sometimes I think my generation - Shea and I included - didn't learn about sacrifice. So many people we know have fallen into this pattern of graduating from college, getting married, buying a house, buying a bigger house, getting a new car every couple of years, and it goes on and on. We'd rather be comfortable and impressive but consequently, in debt.

One of my very best friends is giving up her career dream, at least for now, to support her husband's. It's not always easy, and lately never easy. There isn't enough money, and the days of waiting for a job, a real estate miracle and new baby are full of worry. Shea and I aren't picking up cough drops in the snow, and we lead a very rich life compared to many. However we are trying to sacrifice so that our money goes toward paying down student loans rather than payments for a house we don't need. I don't love our apartment but I do love the stories we'll have about our crazy neighbors. (Seriously. Crazy.) We know someday we'll be debt-free and comfortable but only if we sacrifice and live a little uncomfortably now.

As for my parents, after years of sacrifice and discipline? They have more than enough money to buy extra cough drops.