on not having it all

I was offered a job that used my master's degree before I even had it in a tough to crack job market. It was more money, more freedom and a very cool title.

And I turned it down.

There was nothing wrong with the job, in fact I loved it, except its nearly an hour commute. It'd be earlier mornings and later nights. It'd be Henry at babysitters from 7 a.m. to 10 p.m. if the hubs was on a work trip on some nights. It would be giving up the flexibility to attend Henry's doctor's appointments, our dates to music class and running his diaper bag to daycare because we forgot it at home.

It'd be figuring out how to do work, a commute, evening grad classes and you know, dinner, laundry and life. It'd mean Shea having to slow down his grad degree progress so he could do more at home.

I agonized about it. Cried a lot about it. Because deep down, I knew I couldn't have it.

My wise friend's first words after reading my long e-mail about the dilemma were: "You are right. You can't do it."

I flashed back to the recent Atlantic piece everyone and their sister wrote about on their blogs on Why Women Still Can't Have it All.

In all honesty, I could do it. I could make it work. But I wouldn't be a good mom, wife or employee. I have realized that sometimes the insanity of our life leads to a lot of stress and occasional resentment that I can't have it all. And sometimes I feel like watching Michelle Obama speak, not read about the Little Blue Truck (fantastic books by the way).

But that's not really the mom I want to be. I don't want to be unavailable because I am too far away. I know some women make it work, and I sing their praises.

For me, right now, this won't work. And I will mourn the freedom I once had to make decisions that didn't rattle all other areas of my life.

I'd rather experience the joy my life has to offer than always trying to find a way to make it work.