Monday, April 29, 2013

six weeks later

Since writing about miscarriage I've been connected with a lot of people who I know personally or only in blog world who have gone through the same loss. Some who found the blog after searching in the midst of going through it. For those who are traveling through the darkest time, I've assured them that the days do get less suffocating just like any loss or disappointment in life.

Today I am six weeks post D&C. Most days I feel like my normal busy, emotionally in control self. I feel light and hopeful. Content with my non-pregnant, almost graduating self.

But, there are still days when it swallows me whole.

Like this weekend when I realized a friend who is due the end of October was announcing her pregnancy because she was in her second trimester. And then I realized I should be in my second trimester, already public with the happy news. So I turned on my sad songs (here and here and here) and cried in between playing with trucks. And then again while Henry was in the stroller, safe from his mama's sad eyes.

Or the days when a well-meaning someone says "Oh, you should have another baby soon while Henry is young."

But most days are good. I feel richer in friendships because of shared sorrow. I feel stronger after being vulnerable and open about my pain. The nights of talking and eating popcorn til midnight help. So do the happy hours on warm patios, the random coffee dates and long walks ending in frozen yogurt. And the heartfelt cards from friends I haven't hung out with in years. But so does indulging every so often in tears and chocolate milk.

I feel blessed. There are things in my life I wouldn't have right now if I didn't also have the sadness.

I know hope begins in places like this. I am counting on it.


  1. I'm glad to hear that you are giving yourself moments to be happy and to be sad. Both are needed to get through it all. And you are right...hope does truly begin in times like this. Still praying for you!

  2. Honey---

    Wow, it's hard to believe that it's been 6 weeks. I am so proud of your vulnerability and openness to sharing your pain, so we could show you that you are not alone & it's our pain too. I do believe it is the better more richer way to live.

    I thought I'd add some of my sad songs that really helped me so much:

    Joni Mitchell-- both sides now
    Jason Mraz- Details in the fabric
    Mumford and Sons - After the Storm

    You're awesome!
    love you,