things i'd like to dislike on facebook

In the big judgment cesspool of Facebook, I am not clear why there is not a "I hate this" option. Or even a "when you say this I judge you" button. As if there was any other reason to patrol Facebook. Plus, when you get married, you now have two Facebook friend pools to troll.


Now that Facebook is giving me the option of liking every single comment if I so choose, I still don't understand why I can't "dislike" a few.

Overuse of the ellipses. "I love ice cream..." AND WHAT? Why are you trailing off? Ellipses indicate a word left out or a pause in speech. You love ice cream and cookies? Why can't you just say that! If you are trying to show me you're pondering your love of ice cream, why not just be bold and say, "I love ice cream." Show some courage in your dessert choices.

Whiny parents. I know that because I am in my late 20s, a lot of my friends will have children under five. But what's with the whining? Surprise! Kids are a lot of work. And when I have them, I am sure I will want to complain, too. But not on Facebook. But really, it makes me sad to see statuses day after day of the horror of parenting - the screaming, the crying, the lack of sleep, the grass stains. In 99 percent of the cases, it was your choice to be in this condition. Deal with it. Alternative: I would like to hear the funny things your kids say. I really love your kids and their funny antics make my day great. Or if you're pregnant, post about your cravings for olives and peanut butter. I might even bring you some.


References to chain restaurants. That's from the hubs who gets hysterical at comments like "I can't wait to have the chicken fingers at Chili's tonight!" He would like you people to get out of your comfort zone. I remind him that for a few of my friends, Applebees really IS the nice restaurant in town. That's a viable excuse. But if you do go there for dinner, you probably shouldn't advertise it. It is no longer America's favorite neighborhood restaurant. Unless your house is in a strip mall.


- Vague status updates. "Joe is waiting." "Amy is trying to decide." Hello call for attention. As my friend Jo says, "You KNOW you are being evasive when you post stuff like that, and you just want everyone to be all 'WHATTT?' If you are not going to explain yourself, don't post it." Amen. 


Too much information. Facebook statusing is a delicate balance not to be messed with. If you are talking about a part of your body that is covered by a swimsuit, you're over the line. This includes references to breast feeding and poop. Also fights with your spouse/friend/parent/relative. Especially if they are on Facebook, too, and you're just using your status to fuel the fire. This makes me uncomfortable and day dream back to middle school, which is an unhappy time for all of us. (think frizzy hair and flannel shirts) Using Facebook as a manipulative relational game  = lame and immature, especially if you're doing it to me.

Exclamation points. These are meant to be used when something is being exclaimed. (exclaim, verb:  to cry out or speak in strong or sudden emotion)


Appropriate usage: 

• My hamster just got run over by a semi!
• I am pregnant with triplets!
• The sky is literally falling!

Inappropriate usage:

• I am eating peaches in the summer!
• I am doing homework!
• My phone just rang!
• I DONT WANT TO WORK TONIGHT!!!!!
• Eclipse is the best movie ever made!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

Adjust your usage accordingly.


For more Facebook mockery, visit Failbook.


What drives you crazy?