In August, 12 weeks seemed like an eternity.
I had plans to finish a scrapbook, clean the house up and down,
reorganize the closets, bake bread and get my running groove back.
It's now been 14 weeks; 2,352 hours spent singing, rocking, nursing, wiping, nursing, laundering, nursing, and cuddling. There has not been a lot of baking, running or organizing. Or sleeping for that matter.
But there was a day when maternity leave stopped feeling like a
painful marathon and more like the most wonderful gift. We're off to
Minnesota for a week tomorrow and then I'm back to work. Today is our
last day at home together.
Just like that, it's over.
This lump in my throat that has been growing slowly has now erupted into tears.
I
was totally unprepared for this transformation. I thought I'd be bored,
anxious to get back to a job I enjoy most days. I thought I would feel
like I do at the end of a vacation - sad but excited for a routine
again.
My routine these days is sleep as long as I can (7:30 a.m.), lie
on a blanket for an hour tickling and making weird noises to elicit a
smile or giggle, nurse every two or three hours, do dishes and laundry
one-handed, psych myself up for a few hours before a Target run and do
everything possible to keep him on the good side of the line. Oh, and I
also watch a lot of Gossip Girl and Army Wives (don't judge me).
I remember when I lived in Iowa for my first job out of college. I
had few friends and lived in an apartment alone. I would come home for
the weekend to visit, and as I would get ready to drive back on Sunday
night, it didn't make sense. I was happy and alive at home, in Iowa I
was sad. And I chose the sad because it meant career, money to pay the
bills and probably some sort of "this is making me a better person" song
and dance.
This feels the same. Except way worse.
Maybe I'll adjust and the routine and return to the adult world will be refreshing.
But right now it feels really, really painful.
Which is why after our Target run this afternoon, Henry and I are getting a lot of ice cream.
It's very hard to go back, expect tears. Give it a month or so though, because every major life transition is hard. And if it still doesn't feel right, you'll know.
ReplyDeleteI've had four three month breaks from work since I first had Devan and each time the transition back was terrible. But I'm one of those women who is happiest when I work some. I'm very lucky have a flexible part-time job that is my passion, I know that isn't the reality for everyone.
I'll stop handing out unsolicited advice now, promise.
Oh friend. I welcome all unsolicited advice. Especially when it justifies my tears.
ReplyDeleteI really love how honest you are. You verify my every fear about having a child. But, I can see (or read I suppose) the love you have for Henry. I guess it's all worth it at the end.. Some day I'll convince myself that all these tears and heartbreaks are worth children. :) Thank you Sarah for sharing.
ReplyDelete