(not) making friends

  

I was never one of those girls surrounded by a huge group of friends. I didn't need that though and strongly preferred a few really close friends. They changed every couple of years as my life changed and I have only a few hold overs.

When I read a recent New York Times article: "Why Is It Hard to Make Friends Over 30?" it was like, "Hey, you too?!"

The article states three conditions that are crucial to making close friends: 

• proximity
• repeated, unplanned interaction
• a setting that encourages people to let their guard down

Proximity.

One of my bestest friend lives 222 miles away. Add in busy lives, husbands, kids and gas prices and it's more like one million miles. I have some awesome friends I left behind in Minnesota, which is 438 miles away. I have a college friend less than 20 miles away and some newer friends in my city but...

Repeated, unplanned interaction.
The only unplanned interactions I have are at the grocery store every Sunday and these are not always desirable. I mean, I guess I could become close friends with the cashier at Trader Joes but generally everything in my life is planned. Actually, I can't even think of a time in recent memory that I just ran into someone I knew unexpectedly. 

Most of the moms I know from church and otherwise are staying at home with their babies. So they go on outings and play dates during the day. The working moms I know are catching up on everything they missed during the week on the weekends.

Guard-down setting.
This happened when we were in a small group with our church. After a year, the guard came down. But we don't meet anymore. The most my guard gets let down is the five page emails I send the to the 222-mile-away friend. I have friends I let my guard down about certain areas of life but the hubs is the only one I can walk into a room with tears streaming down my face for NO REASON (i.e. hormones) and be OK with myself.

Other than these external factors, the article cites a period of self-discovery: "After 30, people often experience internal shifts in how they approach friendship. Self-discovery gives way to self-knowledge, so you become pickier about whom you surround yourself with. The bar is higher than when we were younger and were willing to meet almost anyone for a margarita."

Perhaps this will be a glaring reason of why I don't have a ton of friends, but I do not like to hang out with people that annoy me. Especially when I am tired. 

It's harder to hang out with people that make a lot more money than us, live a completely different routine or have different goals. Not that I don't love to have those kinds of friends but they will rarely enjoy spending a Friday night with us or truly understand what it's like to be me. Other moms do. Well, other moms with the same philosophies on parenting and marriage. Who have some free time. 

And as the article also points out, it's even more challenging to meet couple friends since both wives and husbands have to click. Not that we're picky but it's not always that easy.

Bottom line.

I also know my priorities are different. All my energy goes to Henry first. If there is any left over, Shea gets it. Then there is school, work, church and family. So as good as a glass of wine on a patio sounds, getting Henry to bed at 7:30 so that our week starts off in a more sane manner is more appealing. And now I eat dinner at 5:30 and some nights I am asleep by 8 so when you ask me to meet you for dinner at 7 it's a bigger decision for me to make. 

We have good dinners with good people every few months. It's fun and we walk away promising to be more intentional. And then life happens.

showering with books

Last weekend I hosted a book-themed shower for my friend Jenny who is due with a baby of unknown gender in March. On the invitation, I asked everyone to bring a children's book in addition to their gift. Out of 15 guests, there were no duplicates. Win.

I decorated with stuffed animals and children's books from my library and supplemented with some newer books from Henry's stash.

Made cupcakes with a book theme, borrowed from this site. Do not judge my frosting skills. I had a fever of 101, and they got a little roughed up in the transport and transfer to the plate.

The menu was a crepe bar. I made the crepes myself and had toppings of strawberries, peaches, blueberries, Nutella, powdered sugar and whipped cream. Everyone loved it and other than the intense crepe making, it was low on the labor scale.

We introduced ourselves by talking about our favorite book from childhood and then played an alternative book title game.

Next time, I'll go to the used book store and purchase books there for the decorations and then give them to the guest of honor as my gift. Good gift and easy clean-up!

where my heart is

This weekend I'm in Kansas. My heart is in Minnesota where one of my very favorite friends is getting married.

 

I've known Rachel since we started working together at an office in Minneapolis. I was there for her 21st birthday, Grey's watch parties, Twins games, chats about boys, and then two years ago she was a bridesmaid in my wedding. I've been waiting for this day when she married Derek. It's been a relationship I've seen from the beginning, and watched it grow into a relationship Shea and I respect and admire.

They'll get married this weekend in what will no doubt be a gorgeous and unique outdoor ceremony (with home brews!) There is no where I'd rather be Saturday than in those chairs watching Rachel say "I do." 

But after doing everything we could to make the trip to Minnesota happen, we had to make a hard decision to stay at home. Five-week-old Henry hates the car with a passion. He screams until he's gasping for air, and does not stop despite trying hanging toys, lullaby CDs, reflux medicine, different outfits and his giraffe sleep machine. He just hates it. The thought of taking him on a 12-hour (9 hours plus nursing stops) each way was something we couldn't put him (or us) through.

I have no doubt there will be many more events and special times we'll miss out on because we live far away from half of our family and friends. Plus now life is different. Henry has become priority number one. It's a reality I welcome but also a bittersweet reminder that at least while he is this little, we have to miss out.

So while I am changing diapers, singing lullabies and nursing a hungry baby this weekend, my heart will also be in Spicer.

Happy wedding day, Rachel and Derek! We wish with all our hearts we could be there. We love you and hope your day is even better than you planned on.

showered with love and diapers

I had my first baby shower this weekend hosted by a wonderful friend from church. The gift part of the shower was nice considering how much stuff babies apparently need. I definitely left feeling a tiny bit more prepared but more importantly feeling special, revived and supported in this next chapter of our lives.

Laura made these adorable invitations - diapers with real Velcro - to go with the cloth diapering theme and teal colors of our nursery.

And the decor and food matched perfectly including a cloth diaper cake!

The guests were encouraged to fill out blank diapers with advice or support that we can read in weak moments of screaming, dirty diapers, no sleep and mountains of laundry.

We went home with a great start on our cloth diapering collection including these teeeeny tiny newborn diapers, which made me super excited to meet the little guy and his tiny little tush. We went home with a stash of one-size diapers, diaper sprayer, baby powder, cute books (including one in Russian), booster seat, hooded towels, nursing pillow and toys. My friend and master knitter Johanna made a special K-State purple sweater, which will fit perfectly for fall football games.

My mom and grandma were both able to attend and went home feeling extra special, too.

I'm lucky to have all these lovely ladies a part of my life knowing that embarking on motherhood won't be a lonely process.

Thank you, thank you, thank you!

cookie extravaganza

Christmas is about cookies. Apparently. So Johanna and I faithfully followed tradition and made a lot of them. I packed up my baking supplies because when you're married, you have the cool stuff like a really thin cookie spatula.

We started with Oreo balls, which look...gross.

But much better as a finished product. I mean, I think I made a lot of them. I don't really know because three days later they are all gone. Mystery! (clue: they give me migraines, and I do not eat them)

Add in peanut blossoms, iced lemon rounds and molasses cookies.

And the grand finale, and my favorite peppermint bark. Thankfully there was a man around...

Instead of these cookies ending up in cute little tins to hand out to my neighbors and co-workers, it seems they have ended up in my stomach. Stay tuned for cookie extravaganza, part two.

getting back on track

As noted by my series of sad, complaining blogs followed by a series of complete absence of blogging, I have been in a funk. Today I feel out of my funk. I can't make any promises for tomorrow, but here's my funk-ridding recipe, at least for a day.

Add five miles of running. I ran a mile outside before my throat burst into flames, and I was forced to get over my fear of showing up at the gym and having the front desk guy's make comments like "Oh, you still belong to this gym?" Two months ago I ran 13 miles with a hurt knee. Shove it. In my gym absence, it appears they've gotten the hint on adding new treadmills, eliminating the inappropriate angry girl pop videos and the addition of towels. They did not get the hint that standing two feet behind my treadmill for a 20-minute session of staring at my butt/talking on a cell phone is inappropriate for an employee. Take what you can get.

Add one bubble bath and with a side of a good book. Normally I hate baths, mostly because I never really clean my bathtub to an acceptable level. But I pushed through. And spent the evening reading The Girl Who Played with Fire. Unfortunately for me I though that I was reading the one about the hornet's nest, looked it up for the link and figured out who the bad guy Zala is. I had not figured that out yet. Damn. Must forget surprise ending.

Stir in one viewing of the Hallelujah Chorus. Even better if you watch it in flash mob, YouTube form, here. I cried. At work. Turns out that means, I am altruistic according to this study. Music chills equals more likely to give blood? Thankfully they think I'm too small to take my blood... I mean, otherwise I'd totally do it.

Add a pinch of  a clean kitchen and completion of a class. I was going to take a picture of my kitchen counter for you, but then realized no one would ever come over for dinner again. So now it's clean. And my grad school paper and presentation are done.

Top off with a heavy dose of perspective from a dear friend. A long talk with my wise friend reminded me that Christmas IS about celebration, love and eating a lot of cookies. But it's also about sacrifice and obedience. Everybody needs that kind of friend, who understands, hurts as much if not more than you and never ever would tell you you're crazy and blowing it out of proportion. I'm lucky!

a burger, a tap dancer and a fetus

Last week, I looked like this everyday.

Then Friday,  I felt much much better. We do this dance at least once every six months. I get super sick, do blood work that shows I am in fact, super sick and my lower region organs are not functioning properly. The blood tests they do are silly (hepatitis, really?) and show nothing. Occasionally they will stick a tube down my throat or in other unmentionable regions and also, find nothing. Then I will feel better and feel like I'd rather just assume this will never happen again and forgo more invasive tubes. One day we will have an answer. Or not.

Since I was feeling better and the most I had eaten in one sitting the entire week was half a cup of rice, I celebrated by eating a half pound hamburger. And my friends, it was FABULOUS. We met some very dear friends of mine from a previous job at The Phoenix jazz club and saw Lonnie McFadden, local singing and tap dancing legend.

Happy days! The rest of my weekend included watching Layne play volleyball where I was forced to cheer for KU, eating chili and playing Scrabble with the fam. The big finale was my favorite friend Edie's baby shower!

She thinks she looks like a big house mostly because the little guy is poking his butt into her ribs and generating a lot of acid. Kind of rude for such an innocent little fetus. I, however, think she has the cutest baby bump ever. Little Herbie is a lucky man.

welcoming fall

I was fighting the arrival of fall, or rather the end of summer, with all my might. But this weekend made me ready. Bring on the pumpkin bread, apple cider, changing leaves, birthdays and sweaters.

One of my favorite ways to welcome the season was Minnesota apple orchards. We don't have many of those in Kansas/Missouri due to the fact fall can include temperatures in the 80s, but we do have a cider mill.

We drove south of Kansas City for the Louisburg Cider Mill Festival where I learned that while cider mills produce AMAZING tasting fresh cider, they also produce horrific smelling waste in the process (think rotting apples, fruit flies, stale water and warm sun. Delicious.). 

Regardless, we got our cider along with homemade donuts on the most perfect fall day ever.

I'm ready for you now, fall.

spicy snow cones and wine

Last weekend our very amazing friend Trisha came to visit from Minnesota. In less than two years of friendship, she drove eight hours to our wedding, drove me to urgent care when I thought my sinuses were going to explode and made us puppy chow that we devoured as we moved our life to Kansas City.

Upon five minutes of arriving at our apartment, we realized that she was allergic to cats. Luckily she had a Plan B. The highlight of her visit was discovering Kansas City's best (and definitely most unique) snow cones.

{Cart placed in random park}

{Trisha's flight of sample flavors}

Flavors included blackberry lavender, green tea pear, pineapple serrano pepper, watermelon basil and Mexican cane sugar/espresso and chocolate mint. I got the espresso with sweetened condensed milk on top. YUM.

Later we found a cute little winery where the three-year-old belong to the owner didn't like that we tried reds again after our whites. Her favorite wine was the blush because it's pink and has a butterfly on it. A classy wine drinker in the making.

That's always the best part of visitors - discovering new places in your own city. Come back soon, Trisha!

cabin bound!

We're off to Minnesota for a relaxing weekend at a cabin and a friend's wedding. I'm EXCITED!  I don't so much like the lakes next to cabins but I'm a big fan of fresh air, silent evenings, hot dogs and s'mores. Plus great time with our friends Justin and Jess who we don't see enough.

I have also developed a love for other people's weddings because we get to dress up and dance! Plus this is the first wedding since ours where we have no responsibilities except showing up, crying when the bride walks down the aisle, eating and having fun. All things I do well.

{James Bond style}

The downside is we'll spend over 20 hours driving in five days. Luckily I have two unread issues of Real Simple and a few books to get through. Plus a large box of GRE words for Shea to memorize. Though we usually end up talking because our busy schedules and my generally less than friendly disposition after running gets in the way of terrific conversation. We're way overdo for some laughs and eye rolling.

So we're off to celebrate the end of summer, the great beginning to a marriage and my love for blackened marshmallows. Enjoy your weekend!

a minnesota reunion

Sometimes friends are developed over a long period of time. There are other friends that a more instant connection develops because your personalities complement each other, you share a faith, and your lives are on similar paths.

Three months before we found out we were moving to Kansas City, we met four amazing couples, two of which we got to spend time with this weekend - Aften, Brandon, Becca and Stefan.

Mac even got to spend time with his friend, Millie. He is still recovering from all the humping  playing.

We started off with an afternoon playing Kubb, sitting by the beach next to the St. Croix river eating grapes and cheese and catching up on each other's lives.

And as my complete lack of skill in throwing wooden sticks was revealed, the rain began. So we frantically gathered our coolers and raced to the car. We grilled at home and ate way too much only to head to Nelson's for ice cream. As we entered the tiny ice cream shop, the tornado sirens blared. We confirmed that the tornado touchdown was 30 minutes away so naturally we stood in line because what goes better with 80 mph winds than a little ice cream?

 {This is the kid's cone. I'm still digesting two days later.}

As we drove home, our ice cream eating and laughing slowly turned to a lot of "uh..." and pointing at the sky. Aften floored her truck, and we raced home and into the basement. Note: we have not had one tornado touchdown in Wizard of Oz country yet we go to Minnesota and this happens.

When Shea and I talked that night, we realized for the first time in six months we missed Minnesota. These people were not at our graduations. They weren't there when we got engaged or at our wedding. But they are closer to us than many of the friends that we've known for a decade. They understand our fears, our struggles and our hearts. And we miss them.

Hopefully our visits will be frequent and continue for years to come. Thanks for overdue laughs and much-needed fun!

welcoming summer in style

I don't know if I could have really asked for more in a weekend.

For starters, it's 85 and sunny, which is pretty much my perfect weather. Sadly I didn't think ahead and wore a little t-shirt meaning I have a super sweet tan line across the middle of my arm. Note to self: must get rid of this before I wear sleeveless dress in two weeks.

Friday night we celebrated various occasions such as grad school admittance, passing classes, moving to Italy, and general summer euphoria with a Boulevard Sampler pack, tacos and a dueling piano bar. Somehow I ended up dancing on stage due to a well-intentioned blond girl despite the fact I tried to convince her it was Layne's birthday. Another horrified victim pleaded with me to stay on stage, so I did until I saw my opening and exited stage right.

Saturday, after I got my $1 flip flops at Old Navy, we went to the Great American Barbecue Festival where for an unknown reason we "came at the right time" and got in free. Forty bucks in savings! Woo! Plus there was this dude who kept wanting to take pictures with us. He looks oddly like the guy who won Biggest Loser a couple season ago. If it is you, Jerry, maybe you should stay away from things like barbecue fests.

We ate yummy sandwiches, drank real root beer and people watched, including a rib-eating contest - a great display of American culture.

After the sun and meat, Shea and I headed to KC Juice, which might be our new favorite treat. (Sorry, Sonic Chiller.) It's like Jamba Juice but even healthier. I got the World Cup which was cranberry, raspberry, orange sherbet and bananas. SO good. Kansas City peeps - it's a great locally owned place in Westport. Plus does the body good! Go there.

Sunday after our run, I had brunch with one of my favorite friends, Wendy, at Mama's 39th St. Diner known for their 66 omelet choices which come with "browns or grits." 

LOVE summer. I missed you.